I was offered 8 legs of venison for $200...I'm not certain, but to me it sound like it’s too dear?
I didn't think that orthopedic shoes would ever help me, but I thought that I'd try a pair. I now stand corrected.
WARNING !!!!!
If you get an e-mail titled
"Find out just what everyone's concerned about in 2020,"
don't open it. It's probably a virus.
An Englishman, an Irish man and a Scotsman were talking about their children. "My firstborn son was named George because he was born on St George's Day." the English man said. The Scotsman replied, "How about that! Same thing with my son. We called him Andrew because he was born on St Andrew's Day!" "Well!" said the Irish man, "Isn't that a coincidence! It was the same for my son Pancake!"
I considered taking up beekeeping, so I went to an apiarist and asked for a dozen bees, he gave me 13. I pointed to the extra bee and said that I’d only paid for 12, but he said it was OK because the 13th was a freebie
I just got an invitation to attend what is claimed to be the world's greatest knife display.
I'm looking forward to going and seeing the latest cutting edge technology!
One for the Chemistry students.
What normally weighs more, a litre of water or a litre of butane?
The water is heavier, butane is generally a lighter fluid.
Where do robots go when they want some entertainment?
To the circuts!
Without geometry, life is quite pointless
A Higgs Particle (a bosun ) walked into a Catholic church and the priest said "You can't come in here!"
The Higgs particle replied, "But I you have to let me in, without me, you can't have mass!"
The world tongue twister champion has been arrested. Police say that he will appear in court tomorrow and are hoping he gets a tough sentence
It looks as though not everyone knew that the Olympics had been postponed. One athlete turned up in Japan last week, dressed in short and singlet and carrying a long stick. A security guard stopped him and asked "Are you a pole vaulter?" He looked surprised and answered, "Nine, I am German, but how did you know that my name is Walter?"
At the local fish and chip shop, they advertised "Fish Napoleon" as a special for the week. I asked what it was, and they said said it was ordinary fish, but they take out the bony part.
What do you call a line of men waiting for a hair cut?
A barber queue
If you cook your own muffins and want to know when they're cooked, just spell them backwards
Some idiot stuck the dart board to the ceiling. Now every time I play, I throw up!
A guy runs into the doctor's surgery and says to the receptionist "I need to see the doctor urgently because I'm shrinking!" The receptionist said "Sorry, you'll have to wait!" He protested "You don't understand, it's urgent, I'm SHRINKING!"
The receptionist said "Sorry, you'll have to be a little patient!"
My friend is getting frustrated by the lockdown stopping him snorkeling. He heard the other day that he might be able to go soon, but I told him not to hold his breath
My friend has a new dog and he reckons that he threw a stick 5 kilometres and his dog was able to chase it and even managed to bring it back. Seems a little farfetched...
I bought a new jumper, but it kept picking up static electricity. the shop w as pretty good when I took it back and they gave me another one free of charge.
The man who invented the crossword died last week.
They buried him yesterday 6 down and 3 across
This certainly looks like a bad spell of whettha
My mate's wife yelled at him from another room "Do you feel sharp pains in your shoulder as though someone was sticking pins in a voodoo doll?" He Yelled back "No!" About 2 minutes later she yelled out "How about now??"
Last year, a friend of mine told me that he was quitting his job to pursue a miming career. I haven't heard from him since
I've often tried to compare living in Australia and living in Switzerland. I think they're pretty even, although the Swiss flag is a big plus
When my elderly neighbour found out that it was still OK to go out for some exercise in the Covid 19 lockdown, he decided that he'd walk 5 km every day. Now we're 4 weeks into the lockdown and no one knows where he is!
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows a bit high today. She looked a bit surprised.
Every time I wash my contacts in water my eyes sting horribly. I don't know what to do.
If only there was a solution!
In the Corona shut down, many people have lost their jobs, so I become annoyed when people rob jewelry shops and banks, but I reckon that people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
My friends grandson wanted a bouncy castle at his birthday party. They said that it would cost $50 to hire, plus the set up fee. When he got the bill it was almost $1000 in total. I thought, wow, that's quite a bit inflated!
Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.
Weddings and Christenings with social distancing
I was watching the ‘Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra’ last night and halfway through the bloke on the triangle disappeared
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Photon was checking at the airport and was asked if she needed to check in any luggage. She said, "No thanks, I’m traveling light!"
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There's a scientist in China who sleeps with a bat under his bed. Just in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Last time my wife went swimming, she had an amazing experience. A pod of dolphins swam close to her. She played with them for a while, seemed to get on so well with them . They just seemed to click.
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I bought a packet of spaghetti the other day and when I opened it I found one piece was fake. My wife was about to cook them, so I pointed out the fake one and said, "Hang on, looks like we have an impasta."
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My wife is fed up of my constant grandpa jokes, so I asked her, "Well, what can I do to stop my addiction?"
She said "Whatever means necessary"
So I said "No it doesn't”
The Dept of Agriculture has removed close up photos of wheat from their website - it seems that the close ups were too grainy
I was asked why they call this bug the NOVEL coronavirus? I said, "Well, it’s a long story…
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It even surprised all the social media geeks - 2020 went viral faster than any of them thought it would
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In Australia, they sold out of toilet paper, in Germany they sold of of those special sausage they like to eat. For them it was the wurst case scenario
The Navy working from home
For the past few mornings, I wake up and find that someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I really don’t know what to make of it.
My friend couldn't afford his water bill. So I sent him a get well card.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator..... and only a fraction of you will understand this
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Some people can't tell the difference between entomology and etymology - I can assure you they bug me in ways that I can't put into words!
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I had a random time traveler pop in recently. He said that he was going to tell me a time travel joke, but didn't bother because he said Ididn't like it
I was taking to an astronaut once and he said that it was weird out there in space, there total silence except for a beautiful humming; strange but fascinating music. I said that it was probably
Nep tunes
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If you suck at playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
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I went to the doctor and said “People keep making fun of me and tell me I look like a cricket ball.” The doctor said: “How’s that?“ I said: “O no, not you as well!”
I proudly gave my son his 30th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"Dad, one card would have been enough..."
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For something different, I thought I'd try snail racing.
I watched the other contestants and I thought that if I took the shell off of my snail, it would make him faster. But no, it only made him more sluggish.
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What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare
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Russia now has a covid19 case - patient #0
Mr Chestycof
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With all of the panic over Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together
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My friend is quite philosophical about the lockdown and keeps saying "It could be worse, you could be stuck in a hole in the ground full of water."
I know he means well
My wife said to me, "What rhymes with orange?"
And I replied, "No it doesn't!"
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A friend of mine has 2 dobermans named Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!
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Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater
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I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
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The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was
Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi
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The pick and shovel were ground-breaking inventions
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I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of lipstick - she still isn't talking to me.
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I love jokes about eyes, the cornea the better.
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My wife says I'm putting on too much weight, but in my defense I've had a lot on my plate recently.
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I told a friend a joke about corona virus, now I have to wait two weeks to see if he gets it
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Finland just closed its borders and you know what that means! Now no one in the human race will be allowed to cross the finish line
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Just for something to do in the lockdown, I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’m waiting to find which one comes first
How carona spreads
I told my wife that I was listening to the radio on my way home and apparently some actress just killed herself. She asked who it was and I said "I can’t remember...I think her name was Reese something?" My wife said "WITHERSPOON!!!???"
I said "No I think it was with a knife..."
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What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time
With all of the panic buying going on, a man went in to Dan Murphy's, but found that all the shelves were empty except for some bottles of gin and whisky on the top shelf. He said “It's good to see that you’re keeping your spirits up.”
I wanted to get out of the house but knew I had to find something that was safe to do - so I went fishing, because when I go fishing I never catch anything!
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I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what can i use to wipe the bench and be sure that it kills any Corona Virus on the surface?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here"
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Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China
A group of atheists applied for tax exemption, I thought fair enough, they are a non-prophet organization
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There's a painting at the art gallery of Chicken looking at some lettuce and mayonnaise. It's called "Chicken sees a salad"
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Apparently the guy who plays the Invisible Man in the recent movie has been in a few other movies, but no-one knows which ones
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Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace
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Do you know why scuba divers sit on the side of the boat and fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
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Did you hear about the loaf of Helga's wholemeal found at the zoo? Clearly bread in captivity
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My youngest boy once asked "Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
I said "No sun"
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I make sure that I get $50 notes as much as possible, because not even a virus can live on $50 these days
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"I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"
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