Dealing with grief

Question received: We've experienced 7 miscarriages (we do have 3 living children which we are so thankful for). Medically we have had the range of recurrent miscarriage tests and there has been no medical reason why we keep losing babies. We would dearly love another 1 or 2 babies. I've got to say it seems very hard to comes to terms with as a Christian. Many well meaning Christian friends have said to us things like, "just pray and believe and your next baby will be healthy" (trust me we've tried this many times), "just declare life and healing", "maybe God doesn't want you to have any more children", "maybe you haven't learnt your lesson yet so that is why God keeps putting you through this", "just adopt" (looked into this....seems impossible), "well, we all want things that we can't have". I've got to say that I myself feel lost and abandoned and confused as to why God hasn't healed our babies or fixed our situation. We have pleaded for healing and tried to declare health and healing. We've tried to be faithful with serving at church and with tithing and being generous. It feels like God doesn't see my tears or hear me crying. I want to keep my faith but at times God feels so far removed. I just feel so devastated and disappointed in how my life has turned out. It's hard to find proper counselling. Some Christian counsellors just try to preach at you and get you to have a faith filled attitude and get over your grief whilst secular counsellors don't really offer any suggestions....they just listen. There seems to be no room for any type of grief in the church. If you're not getting your break through and happy and cheerful then you don't fit in. I find myself often not wanting to go to church. How do I navigate all of this and come out the other side with a heart of love, a strong relationship with God and a strong marriage?

Reply: There are a number of issues in the question asked and I will try to address each one. I have never endorsed the “just try to smile and pretend it’s okay” philosophy that far too many Christians, particularly in the Charismatic/Pentecostal community, seem to produce when they encounter someone facing grief and loss. I think that people say things like this because they simply don’t understand the reality of grief and don’t know what else to say. It is wonderful that you have 3 living children, but no-one and nothing can ever replace the child that was lost.

The word “reave” means to take by force, forcibly deprive, ravage. Someone who is bereaved then, is someone who is broken up, who has been deprived of something of value. Grief is an incredibly important human emotion and everyone, including Christians, need to travel the road of grief when they face something as huge as the loss of a child. Every individual handles grief differently, but it should not be suppressed. The expression of grief and emotion is absolutely normal and natural. You don’t simply “get over” or “move on” from the loss of a child, however the grief process helps you find strength again to carry on. It’s so important that you understand that what has happened to you is not because you have lacked faith, or committed some particular sin, or in some way offended God, nor is it because of something that happened in previous generations in your family.

We do try to find a reason for sickness and death – especially when it involves children – but the reality is that we live in a world damaged by sin and infected with sickness and death as a result. Jesus did not promise to help us to escape from it, in fact He said that in this world we WILL have tribulation. As Christians we are not exempted from sickness, pain and grief, but we are given the Comforter and given strength to help us through these times. I’m sure that you are a person who has been faithful to God, your church, etc, but what you have experienced is not some sign that God’s favour is no longer resting on you – that sort of thinking (or theology) is actually built on fear rather than faith and focuses on the “works” that you do, rather than the grace of God. I wish that I knew why some people are healed and others are not. I have experienced in my own family, loss that didn’t seem just. My mother was a faithful, gentle, loving Christian woman – yet she died at age 55 from cancer. My brother-in-law, niece and nephew were all diagnosed with the same sort of terminal cancer (brain tumour) at the same time. Each of them were faithful Christians, my niece, in particular, was declaring, claiming and doing everything else that she thought would help, yet she, along with my brother-in-law, died from the tumours, whereas my nephew was miraculously healed, with his tumour disappearing somewhere between the MRI at night and surgery the next morning. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in healing and I pray for the sick and expect to see results. I have seen miracles happen as I watched, but I still have no explanation as to why the miracle doesn’t happen to everyone. That’s in God’s hands, not mine, not yours. We simply have to trust Him and continue to walk with Him. His goodness is not determined by the outcome – it’s not that God is good only when life has gone the way we pray, the way we hope. He is good ALL of the time, in the good AND in the pain. Of one thing I am certain – God has NOT abandoned you and He never will.

I suggest to you that the faith that you have in a loving and faithful God, can help you to cope with your circumstances and your sense of loss, but it can never exempt you from the reality of the loss that you have suffered. I believe that one day you will see not only Jesus, but you will see those children than you lost through miscarriage. I truly understand that you would rather have them with you now, but since they are not with you, you can find some comfort in the knowledge that they are safe and loved. I do understand when you say that there seems to be no room for any type of grief in the church. The sad reality is that the church is made up of PEOPLE (just like you and I) and the vast majority of people don’t seem to understand grief.

If you look in the Bible, you will see that the issue of suffering and grief is not ignored. Books such as Job, Psalms, Ecclesiastes and Lamentations are full of accounts of suffering and grief. Unfortunately, those who sought to comfort Job is his pain and grief, didn’t seem to do a lot better than many people in today’s church. One even suggested that Job ought to “curse God and die” – hardly wise words from an understanding heart, yet that was the only advice that Job’s wife had left to give. We find in these books, accounts of some of the Bible’s “greats” who were even quite angry with God over the circumstances that they found themselves experiencing. Yet through it all, God remained faithful to them, His love never failed. The same was true for David in the loss of his child, who died seven days after birth (2 Sam 12:18–19). David prayed for his child’s life (2 Sam 12:16), yet his child died. Sad as it was, heavy as David’s heart felt, he said in 2 Samuel 12:23 “Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me”. David understood that his son would not be given back to him, yet he found comfort in the reality that he would meet his son in heaven.

Grieving the loss of a child is a heartrending journey, regardless of whether the loss occurred before or after birth, and there are no hard and fast rules or guidelines to teach us how to handle our mourning. However, we must allow our natural emotions to be expressed and find a point of healing – that’s why the grieving process is so important. But it is important also to remember that weeping endures for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Don’t hang onto your grief, give it adequate expression and then let it go. It’s SO important to move on from that place of grief. Do you ever forget the loss? Of course not, it is a memory that cannot be expunged. You cannot change the past, but you must be prepared to change the way that you allow the past to affect your present and future. You are not walking this path alone. Regardless of what you may feel at any given moment, God IS with you, and He has promised never to leave or forsake you. You also have your brothers and sisters in Christ, your close friends and family. Even though they may not understand all that you are feeling, lean on them, let them help you. Hold on, even when you don’t feel like it. This is what real faith is about. It’s not just a feeling or an experience, but a decision. Job said “though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.” I can’t imagine life without Jesus and holding onto your faith may be a struggle sometimes, but to live without it, is unthinkable. Faith is not something you lose, it’s something you choose or reject.

Anyone who has lost a child has a very long and hard journey to walk, grief is exhausting, messy, and misunderstood. Anger and confusion are normal and healthy (if you get stuck there for an extended time, you would be wise to seek medical help). Be patient with yourself, you are in mourning. Do not rely on your feelings to decide what you believe. Look ahead – what kind of life do you want? Who do you want to be?

One last comment, Christians who have experienced the death of a child have the unchanging promise of God’s Word: “Revelation 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away”.