Sibling Abuse

Question submitted 18th Feb.

Gobsmacked after 15yo son came crying, revealing he sexually abused his little sister a few years ago. How should parents respond? Should this ever be brought up again?

This is a huge question and there are no “one size fits all” answers, so I can only address this issue in very broad terms “in principle” – for detailed advice, I suggest that you seek professional counsel. Unfortunatelythough, this is certainly not an issue that can be simply brushed under the carpet and never brought up again.

Your question raises other questions that need to be asked. How old was your son and daughter when the abuse occurred? Was it a “one off” incident, or was it something that was ongoing for a while?

One of the big issues of sexual abuse of a child, is the effect that the abuse had on the victim and the likelihood of that abuse affecting the child when they grow older.

I have to tell you that technically, the matter should be reported to the Police or the child welfare authorities of your State. Should you, your son or your daughter need help at some time, most people to whom you may turn for advice and support (e.g. pastors, doctors, teachers etc) are legally mandated to report these matters when they become aware of them. Often, sexual abuse of a child may lay dormant in their mind for many years and then suddenly re-appear as a problem. It is not uncommon for girls who have been abused to show little or no reaction to the abuse until they are a married adult. Problems then may occur within the marriage context and, if they seek help from, say, a doctor or a counsellor, the matter is reported to police (mandatory reporting doesn’t give any option to “overlook” such abuse) and the perpetrator is then pursued by the authorities. So even if you choose to “not bring the matter up again” it may still arise at a later point in time and potentially have greater consequences than it may have if dealt with now.

The age of your son when the abuse occurred is also important. As a general rule, a child under 10, is not held legally responsible for any offence that they may commit and a child between 10 and 14 is treated differently at law than one aged 14-17. So knowing how long “a few years ago” actually was, is important.

It is also important to know WHY your son sexually abused his sister. It is not uncommon for a perpetrator to actually be a victim himself, so it needs to be confirmed whether or not your son was abused in his early years. Simply asking the question and having your son deny that he was abused at some time, doesn’t really confirm the issue one way or the other. If you have other children, it would be important to find out if any of them have suffered abuse.

Sexual abuse may cause significant emotional issues for both the victim and the perpetrator and, the ones so often forgotten in such a scenario, the parents. Deep emotions and memories generally need professional help to unearth and deal with adequately.

As a Christian, I absolutely believe in God’s forgiveness, so if your son is truly repentant (and coming to you in tears and admitting to the abuse is a good indication that he is repentant) I have no doubt that God will or has already forgiven him. I’m sure that you have seen his brokenness and have forgiven him as well. It may even be that your daughter has forgiven him. But forgiveness does not undo consequences. The consequences of sexual abuse obviously include possible legal consequences and may include emotional damage.

So my answer to “how should a parent respond” is not simply one of “forgive and forget”. As a parent, you naturally love both your son and your daughter, so it is vitally important that their long term emotional welfare is looked after. Thus, simply not bringing it up again, is not a good solution.

In a “broad brush” answer, such as my response above, it is impossible for me to give you clear advice without knowing all of the circumstance and speaking with you and your children. I suggest that you should seek professional help – for the emotional and possible mental health issues that could potentially be an outcome of the abuse and secondly some legal advice about how the law affects your response.

I am sure that God sees and understands the pain that you feel at this time. I encourage you to lean in on Him and trust Him to bring you through. However you choose to deal with your current circumstances, I am sure that it will take time to work through, so I encourage you, after seeking professional advice, to allow your friends – your brothers and sisters in Christ – to help you, through their prayer and practical support. Don’t ever be ashamed to ask for the help and support of those close to you. Remember the words of Deuteronomy 33:27 The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.