Keeping Secrets in a Marriage

Message / Question

I have security clearance and can't tell my wife certain things like what I'm doing, where I am, who certain friends I have are, we also need to be wary of our contacts, can't go to certain places, and have to lie about things. She thinks I'm hiding things from her, I feel I am, and I feel like it's tearing our marriage apart. I wish I hadn't gone down this career path. Have you got any sound biblical advice on what to do? And are there other jobs like this one where it would be useful to advise other Christians about, and warn of its effects on your marriage?

Response

I can see that you feel that you are in a bit of a bind because of the strict confidentiality that comes with a role such as yours. My only thought is that it would seem wise for you to sit down with your wife and honestly explain your predicament to her. I’m not sure if your wife knows the nature of your work, but she should. That doesn’t mean that you given her details that are restricted for security reasons, but she should know that your work involves strict security and that security makes it impossible to sometimes tell her where you are going, what you are doing etc. She needs to know as much as possible but then needs to understand that are strict limits placed on how much she can be told. Your job sounds as though it is a position of trust and she needs to know as much as possible but then learn to trust you for the rest. Having said that, if it is not possible to come to a resolution, I suggest that your marriage is the most important thing – if it means that you need find alternative employment in order to save your marriage, then the choice between your job and your marriage should be “no contest”. In Christian marriage, you enter into a covenant relationship and that covenant relationship trumps all others, including your job. There are several jobs that come to mind that may require the level of secrecy and security that you have described and any married person would be wise to consider the possible impact on a marriage that such a role could have. The wisest thing to do would be to discuss the role with your spouse before taking the job or, if you are in the job prior to marriage, discuss the nature of your employment with each other prior to marriage.