Rebellious Teens

Message / Question

What is the best thing to do about disobedient teenagers?

Response

I’d love to be able to give a “works for everyone” answer – I’d make a fortune if I could! However, I suggest that there a couple of things that I can and should say.

I suggest that he first place to look for a solution is a mirror. All rebelliousness has a cause and the first thing is to check yourself out to determine what contribution you are making to the cause of the rebellious attitudes. Now, before setting fire to the stake that you just mentally tied me to, understand that you may NOT be the issue but it is a wise parent who will at least examine themselves before looking further afield. What example do you set in the home, how have you increased freedom and responsibility as your child has grown, what consequences are there for their behaviour, are the consequences both fair and realistic, do you discipline with love or anger, who your teenager’s friends, how well do you know the world in which they live (i.e. their worldview, mindset etc).

Self examination is important and making some personal adjustments may resolve some issues. OK, you may NOT be the cause or even a significant contributor to the cause, but I suggest that it’s a good starting point. Kids today are exposed to so much more in the way of negative influences than their parents (and multiply that many times for grandparents etc!), so a parent needs to be understanding of the issues that their teenager faces.

Try to make sure that they’re not victims or abuse or bullying nor simply caving in to peer pressure. Sadly, kids today are taught about rights, but rarely about responsibilities and somehow, that omission in their education needs to be corrected at home. There’s also the issue of discipline and respect. In previous generations, kids learned respect at school and were subject to a reasonable form of discipline – today that doesn’t happen at school and many parents are afraid to introduce it at home.

Each teenager is an individual, so there’s no real “one size fits all” model, but the imposition of fair and reasonable discipline is extremely important.

Here’s an example of discipline that may be helpful. Say you have a “no swearing” policy and your son breaches the rule with increasing frequency.

The consequence for his action may be taking his “Gameboy” console (or whatever device he uses to play games) until he goes without swearing for, say, 3 or 4 hours. The consequence is clearly linked to his behaviour – he swore, so he has to disciple himself to not swear. The consequence is quite specific – he needs to exercise self-control. If he wants to use his game console, then he has to discipline himself and control his own actions. It’s time specific – he needs to demonstrate self control for a set time period. If he succeeds, then he should get his console back – not change the conditions mid stream, you set the deal, when he complies he is rewarded. There must be consistency and he must be confident that, if he reaches the target, you keep your word and return his console. Will he feel angry at the loss of his console? Prabably, you can’t prevent him from feeling angry or frustrated. But you can teach him how to deal with his feelings / emotions. You might say something like, “I see that you’re angry and I can understand that, but yelling at me is not going to get you what you want. The way that you will get what you want is to comply with the conditions that have been set – if you do that, you’ll get your console back.” (obviously it won’t always be a games console, it may be a tablet computer, mobile phone etc – it just needs to be something that is relevant to YOUR teenager)

Space won’t allow me to “rave on” too much and don’t make any claim to be an “expert” in this area. If it is a real problem that you are experiencing then I must encourage you to get help. Sometimes Christian parents feel ashamed or embarrassed that they are experiencing difficulty and so they don’t ask for help from others. But you can’t afford to simply go it alone, you should get help. The church is a community of believers, so seek help from them. Perhaps a pastor, perhaps someone else who you’ve watched having success in this area, but get help / support - don’t try to struggle on alone.

Part of the battle is spiritual, so find a Christian friend or two who can pray with you in the time of conflict. Don’t wear yourself out emotionally, physically, and spiritually. If you can, try to get a break, find a quiet place where you can be refreshed when you need to. But NEVER give up on your teen, even if things really look as though they’re going pear shaped, keep believing that your child can be fully restored. They may not know or understand it, but they DO need you, so hang in there and keep loving them and praying for them, for there’s nothing that can separate you or them from God’s love.

One final thing. Don’t expect your child’s behaviour to improve overnight. Don’t expect perfection immediately, better behaviour takes practice and time. It is very likely that, with your care and love, they will grow through the “terrible teens” and even surprise you at the results.

The New Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson is a book that you may find helpful. This is a link to it at Amazon, it is also available through Koorong books